Colorless. UnMedicated. Purely Consumed. & Stripped of Clarity

The Elegance of It.

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:47:48 GMT

There are nobodys there are somebodys and there is Someone.

Everyone wants to be Somebody....no one wants to be a nobody. But most of us end up as nobody.

In this generation, every one wants to be SOMEONE.

In all sadness this is not reality. My idol--Audrey Hepburn. I buy every book about her.
I want to dress like her. Be like her. But in my own way. She was Classy. She was Elegant.
She was Brilliant. and Gorgeous.
She was Famous.

I am not Famous. For a long time I wanted to be. But now I've lost myself, and this era in which I live is full of emo living kids.
Everyone thinks who they are. We all dress to prove something to everyone.

I adore fashion. and i feel as though it has taken over my body. I have to have that dress...or the leopard print jacket I brought today.
We all try so hard to make ourselves unique. and then there are those of us who don't try at all.

I just want to bring back the time where Audrey lived. I live in this made up world in my head where i wish i could live then.
be a socalite...even though i hate group settings and too many people freak me out.
i want to be the center of attention. i want people to love me. and notice me.
i want to be me. and just be recognized. and be wonderful.
i dont think i have bloomed yet. i don't know my destiny.
im not there yet though. i know im not.

but i've come to a point where i almost feel powerless and talentless. when i know that is not the truth.
i wish i knew how to control it all. but i dont. and not to be depressing and stuff...
but most days around now i feel like im going to be a nobody.

when all this time i thought i was going to be a SomeBody.

ughk.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 02:41:58 GMT

I'm watching the girls next door right now. my guilty pleasure of reality tv.

rich is in the city with the actors talking to them about the movie...i have to pick them up in the middle of the night from the train.

im having major issues with my weight. i think i need to go to the gym twice a day and train. and just get back in shape. im 3 sizes bigger in pants that my original size.

i see someone like Nicole Herold, who is one year older than myself and went to my high school making it as a model. She was in this past months PlayBoy, and before that Maxim and on the cover of Men's Fitness, in Shape magazine....its just so awesome...

i want to be in playboy so badly...i want to model...and do that...i feel like i can...if i just get back in shape...now i just need to cut out my sweets...its so horrible....i wish i could...

im going back to makeup school in nov. and im just not making anymore still b/c i do NOT have a job. i wonder if i'd even be excepted to playboy though b/c of my tattoo on my stomach...i mean i could cover it i guess theres makeup for that...

i watched Factory Girl last night and i'm quit obsessed with the way Edie was...and Audrey Heburn in Breakfast at Tiffanys...these are the people i look at and go damn...i want to be like that but the modern day version and i know i could...

ugh i need to get the ball rolling here. what the f is my problem!>?

summer.

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 19:06:35 GMT

i suppose no one really writes in here anymore like they used to. maybe we've all gotten out of this phase or maybe it's just summer. could be the fact that a lot us could care less about the other one's problems or that this thing always causes drama.

well tthings have changed a lot since graduating college. i moved to california where i always wanted to be...and then moved back to ny...and now i want to move back to ca again. if i could have stayed i probably would have. i think i lost myself through all of this. and i'm trying to win myself back. everyday i learn something more about myself. i guess this is why its called growing up. i dont miss my house. i don't miss my family...i mean i love them but i dont have those feelings from when i was a kid. i can be anywhere really.

i dont have a job still and im collecting unemployment. this is really sucking badly at this point. i need to get a job asap...even if its at starbucks full time...i mean i just dont know where else to go at this point. i have a list of things i want...and i'm never going to be able to get if i dont have money. that sounds selfish. i dont mean it like that. i have an expensive style of fashion. thank you world. i got consumed. its an addiction, along with the being insanely skinny and in shape. which im not at this point. i dont know how to lose it. i've been going to the gym and doing crazy cardio the past few days and intend to keep doing so...i just hopefully like at one point when i did lose all my weight last time that just one day i look down and itts gone. and then i fit in my jeans again and i feel comfortable in my clothes that i love.i think i should just eat carrots for the rest of the summer maybe i'll lose weight that way. salad and yogurt and cottage cheese and carrots. mmm yum. ugh i just have the worst habits of binging and i love LOVE ice cream.

the stress of trying to find a place to move is overwhelming. and that we can afford. we found a town house but who knows im still waiting to hear back if they accept out offer. and if they dont then im shit out of luck again and pretty much screwed. the house is sold in oyster bay and we dont have anywhere to put our things. anotther disaster. i should be vaccumming right now but im so not in the mood i just want to take a nap and snap my fingers and hope that i get a job soon and make money...b/c in nov. i start makeup artist school and tthat goes until march and then here i am again looking for work. god who knows anymore.

sometimes i feel way too lonely and i wish i had friends around. i mean i have friends. like 3 good ones but they all have jobs...and they're always busy...i just wish i had a job..and was busy tooo b/c i think im losing my mind not being busy!

lost.

Wed, 23 May 2007 23:50:18 GMT

As I sit here just finishing flipping through the latest edition of NYLON Magazine, listening to the new Maroon 5 cd that came out yesterday...I'm on the verge of having an anxiety attack.

See I was making phone calls trying to sell alarms for rich's cousin frank. Because thats my lovely job now...I got back from FL yesterday. I've been off my med for about a week. this is the one that makes me now feel anxious...it was doing the job...but i made me feel angry all the time. I've lost myself.

I dont know who i am anymore. or what i want in life. i feel really lost. all i know is i hate telemarketing and i dont want to do it for the rest of my life...i dont know.

i wish i was like i used to be. i wish i knew what i wanted so i could go for it. i always wanted to make it as an actress or something along those lines. and now i dont even know if i should bother to try. part of me feels like thats whats in me. the other part is like...i flip through these magazines. perez hilton.com...and all that shit...and it makes me feel like what for. why bother....i dont know what to live for anymore.

i've now been out of college for a year. and the only things i really like are fashion...why didnt i go to school for something like that. i mean i dont know...the only thing i want to do is open my own boutique. i dont know why im lazy and dont want to do anything. i used to write all the time...now i cant feel or write anything anymore.

my apt. smells like piss. thanks to my puppy Autumn. I should be making phone calls right now...but im so nervous and i cant calm down at all.
tthe only way to calm my self is to medicate myself.

i really hate this. why cant i be motivated. why.

LA Traffic. Magnificent!

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 00:55:09 GMT

This is what my commute looks like. hah.

Apartment. Cali. Preview.

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 20:44:21 GMT

Below are several shots of our apartment. I still need to take some more like out the Window and from on top of the roof. =] enjoy. more to come soon.

oh and that lump in the covers of the bed...yea thats Focus its his new thing...for some reason he likes to sleep there all day...(thats the black and white one)

& well Harry & Focus....in the cage on the way to cali....

Leaving for California....soon....

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 04:20:59 GMT

i havent written in forever. i guess everything is backwards in my head. i seem to get these really great ideas when im driving in the car and when i actually come to the computer screen im blank...or then once again get writers block....its like i just cant flow...i mean this is flowing right now b/c im just writing what im thinking word for word. funny how crazy and complex our minds our.

but thats exactly how my book is going to turn out....i cant fake a story, ok i mean i can but most of it will be based on what i know and experience. ahk whatever.

i think im coming down with a cold. i feel like crappo.....

i feel like im numbing myself to all my feelings again...anything that bothers me....its so stupid...just everything stays in my head b/c i dont want to sound like im complaining and i dunno.its such a weird state to be in right now....i love my parents and my brother...but im fine to be without them....i love rich more than anyone ever.....its a feeling i cant describe or write....im moving to the other side of the country. to california away from everyone...away from here....away from everything i wanted to get away from....

and now its here....i can remember when i thought things were the worst ever...and i'd have breakdowns all the time wishing and waitng and rushing for this time to come. The time i told myself i'd be free. Done with school, i have a degree. its almost hard to believe...i think im still in shock that im actually finished...you think because this is what you're used to your whole life that you still have to go back b/c that was routine....and now i dont. its done. im finished. educated.and now the worlds at my feet...

i start to feel smaller than ever....where to go where to start...so much i want to accomplish in life... the days i cried and said i would do this...and now im going. im doing this...the fire thats buring inside....needs to get hotter than it already is bc im not fully there yet....im still insecure with several things concerning myself....i need to fix those...i need to focus better....

i dont know im mixed up in my head right now....and i need to talk it out.... i need to...

Thu, 04 May 2006 18:53:15 GMT

I'm really scared now.
i think my mom's gonna be in the hospital for weeks.
i dont even know.
she's really sick...
and im exhausted. i'll be at the hospital everyday.
and at my house by myself.
i want him to come here. i miss him.
my nerves are nuts.

this is hell.

There's no Comfort in the Waiting Room..

Thu, 04 May 2006 01:48:02 GMT

Just Nervous Paces Waiting For Bad News
Then the Nurse Walks in and Everyone Lifts their Head....
I'm Thinking of What Sara Said
That LOVE is Watching Someone Die.
----------------------------------------

My mom went into the emergency room last night.
She is currently in ICU.
She has inflamation of the pancreas.
I saw her earlier and I thought she was going to be ok.
Now i just returned from there....and well...

Her blood pressure is low. and she's on morphine, and adivan.
She's super drugged and completely out of it. No one wants to see their parent like that.
I feel like this is an instant repeat from months back with Rich's mom.
Except now its my mom.
My Dad is trying to keep his cool. I can tell he's on the verge of losing it.
My brother hasnt gone yet. I dont think he can deal if he sees my mom this way.
Her pancreas is eating itself.
I'm trying to stay calm. Because I have to be the strong one again.
This is far more serious than any other operation she's ever had.
And I'm quit more scared than ever.

She was half concsious...talking about tangerine bowling pins and a resturant they want to put in lord and taylors.
I'm not sure about that one. I'll laugh about the bowling pins though.
My dad can't laugh. My brother doesnt understand the half of this.
I'm not quit sure if im accepting this.
Or am I accepting this.
I just keep telling myself she's going to be ok.
Until I have a break down.
She could be in ICU from anywhere til this upcoming Monday...or a few weeks.

I'm not sure really what else to say here except on a lighter note...
I got a new job today telemarketing and it pays 15 an hour plus bonus' and you can get more if you work hard.
Rich and I got the apartment in California...so I'll be living in Long Beach as of July. =]
Thats pretty much it. I'm gonna go read and try not to think about this but thats kind of inevitable.

Yes We're All Apart of the World of Course. So Sing It Out.

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 13:48:27 GMT

You can view the world in many different lights.
Depending on how things are going for you...affects the way you look at things.
The World could be a really ugly and disgusting place.
Or it could be something amazingly beautiful.
It's disgusting when you look at our culture. Our surroundings, our material objects.
The things we shower ourselves with, clothes, cars, luxeries.
Some people do it because it makes them feel good.
Some people do it because they think its a competetion and they have to be better than every one else.
Well I say Who the Fuck Cares.

Because when it comes down to it....It's you. And only you.
You can choose to be lonely. And say you're alone.
Or you can put yourself around a ton of people who are fake and make you feel popular.
You can keep those few good friends you have and be content.
Or you can go meet new people travel the world. Whatever you choose. It was you who made that decision.

Sometimes it does come to the point though...
Where you've taken all you can take.
Where you give everything you have...
Took the shirt off your back
And still after all that...
You got Shit on.
For all these years.
So what's left?
Life is over?
You want to leave the place you're in.
Find new people..a new landscape.
Every day gets harder and harder.
It's a struggle to survive.
Take care of yourself
Let alone someone else.
Because when you break down like this
It takes everything in you.
Every last drop of energy
Of strength.
Of power....
And then you say what.
FUCK it...Fuck You Fuck Everyone.

When things happen to us for a period of time we get it into our heads that just maybe they're rreally not going to turn around.
Maybe everyone's wrong. They always say don't worry hang in there it'll get better.
Sure maybe....but will they?
No one can predict their own future.
Can we look at our earth and say Hey
Hey yea you?
Why is there so much war? Violence....Corruption?!
No She won't answer.
No one Fuckin knows.
Why do we have to have money to live.
Its such a stupid concept if you think about it for awhile.
That's what our society is based on.
Its in the news in the magazines on TV in the Films we watch.

And so this all pauses a truth....
You can ignore this shithole we live in....thats pollutated with Hate and Terrorism...and Destructions...
Or you can be aware of it all and let it take you down. Till you die.
You Decide. It's Your Choice.

...

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 01:50:45 GMT

All I want to do is Move Far Far FAR Away from this Place.

From here.

And so it was a Slushing Kind of Evening.

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 05:46:25 GMT

yea we had a good time. despite the snow and this shitty weather ruining our plans. no city. then no milk and sugar...or the cup. we ended up at Fridays and then had Starbucks. I love Christine. xoxo

Invitation....

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 14:12:48 GMT

If You Are a Dreamer, Come In,
If You Are a Dreamer, a Wisher, a Liar,
A Hope-er, a Prayer, a Magic Bean Buyer...
If You're a Pretender, Come Sit By My Fire
For We Have Some Flax-Golden Tales to Spin.
Come in!
Come in!

~Shel Silverstein~

So I Made Earrings....

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 20:16:42 GMT

I think maybe that I'll sell them. Let me know what you guys think!!!

I should really be doing my journals for my internship. but for some reason i managed to procrastinate doing this.

i am so unbelievably obessed with Love Signs by Linda Goodman thanks to Miss Hudson Leick. I also brought Wicked. the book with my xmas gift cards finally. I can't wait I'm going to see it on Saturday!!!!!

and Chanel lipgloss also thanks to Hudson...its awesome. I highly reccommend it.

I also Had a photoshoot with MaryClaire the other day which rocked. ♥

Billy Joel Rocked My World

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 17:06:46 GMT

simply. amazing. =]

21.

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 16:24:02 GMT

now. i dont have to worry about this b.s. of getting into places. its great.

& my boyfreeeen' got me tix to see Wicked! next saturday so excited! you have no idea.
the best birthday i've ever had. ♥

Karoke.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 00:13:25 GMT

one day til 21. mmm. yes. and this was how i kicked it off. ♥

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 04:23:48 GMT

Cake.

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 19:18:01 GMT

I Bake My Own Cake.
And Cake Tastes Good Alone.
But You Are the Icing On My Cake.
And Life Tastes So Much Sweeter.
So Delightful & Delicious Now.

My Smile Will Not Mislead You.

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 00:01:52 GMT

and its amazing how when you've finally said fuck it to everything & just live life and have fun....that---indeed that is when you find someone so amazing. someone that you thought didn't exist. it makes every other person in the past look like nothing. when you couldn't imagine that you dont have to wish he'd do something, or say something...its done already. he cares...he listens....he's just down right amazing. and i am super happy. that is all.

A Grocery List of Shots & Focus'

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 00:58:44 GMT

We are the ones that view life through a lense
The focus is tracking the blurs & clarity
A close up of the scene as we sit back & disappear into the background
Images plotted on a blue print map
Erasing the tracing of our Outlines
The Dotted Line cut-outs slowly fading as we zoom in
A shot of what's around us as these puppets perform a play
The characters we've created
And the strings we can control
The colors we've painted to our bodies & souls
Are running down our arms & flowing to our toes
Stories that evolve & circle around us
As the moon follows the Earth
As your Heart is losing Hope
Living through the actions we imagine were Real
Taking the passion hidden in you viens
And using it to Reveal
Every single last living piece of pure ingredients
To the Reciepe of what we call Life
Every last drop of Energy
Until there's Nothing Left--
Until We've been stripped of Everything
Until the Revolution of the Film we have Watched...
Folds in an Envelope
With a Message That Reads:
Return To Sender.

November Skies

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 22:47:04 GMT

Williamsburg---BROOKLYN!!!

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 07:20:09 GMT

so um yea we had an awesome time at Sea in Williamsburg Brooklyn....there's more but im too tired right now to post and write more lol. WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Spring Break! I love you all!

October Skies

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 21:05:57 GMT

October Sky
A Glaze of Gray
A Floating Red Balloon Drifts Away
Rubber Duckies Balance on Puddles
Tears are Forming
Leaves Are Falling
Autumn is Crawling in on Fragile Cat Paws
25 Cents at the Bubble Gum Machine
Please tell Me
What Does all of This Mean?
Circus Clowns
Drowning in Sounds
Trapese Wires Break
Why do I Shake
Dizzy Games
Rosie Posie Pumpkin Picking Fields
Candy Apple tummies to Fill
It's getting Thinner
The Degree is Dropping Down
Please tell Me
Why it Feels so Cold.
To Be Alone.
Shivering Fingers & Toes
What one only Knows
The Changing of the Seasons Come
& October Skies Yelling to the Sun
Spices sifting through my Viens
Wishing for a Place to Drain
The Trees are growing Bare
Please Tell Me
What does it Take
To not make a Mistake.
Keeping quit like a Mouse
In the wall
I'll Shutter again
& I'll take this Fall for what its worth.
Cause standing alone is far much worse.

Sunday night--Procrastination...Viva La Bam....yea

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 03:11:42 GMT

& there my friends is my tattoo. yes. enjoy.